Regretful Moments in Parenting

Aah, back in the early days of this adventure

I promise this post won't be one big fat downer.  But if I had written anything in the heat of the moment, or within a couple hours of the moment-- or incident, I should say-- this post would be a HUGE downer.

Here's the history on this morning's incident, or actually, set of 3 incidents:

Potty training.  We started out with high hopes of a quick, intense, weekend-long session when the little guy was barely 2 years old.  My mom lent me the book that she had used, Potty Training in One Day (or some equally BS title), and assured me she had used this method with all 6 of the kids in our family.  She bragged that she potty-trained my younger brother the latest, at 26 months of age, and he caught on the quickest; about a day and a half.  I read through the book, made a sticker chart, filled a Tupperware container with M&Ms, and looked forward to Saturday.

Epic fail.  We gave up by Saturday afternoon and decided we'd try again in a few months.  Well, about a month later, my mom informed me that she was working on it with him again.  Being the potty training guru, she was so sure that he was really ready this time.  Fast forward about a year and a half: we have been on a roller coaster of "I think he really has it this time!" and "What?!?  He pooped his pants again?!?" over and over.  We have let him run around pants-less, we have tried rewards, we have lectured him, pleaded with him, tried to make it no big deal either way... and here we are today.

Many days, he has maybe one wet accident.  And many of those are minor accidents.  Occasionally, he will go a week or two with no accidents at all.  But lately, it's been the regular one or two wet accidents per day.  This morning, he had done a number two in his pull-up that he wears overnight.  I calmly took him to the bathroom, let him know that I was disappointed and that I know he'll do better next time, and helped him get cleaned up.  He was insistent that he didn't need to go anymore and refused to sit on the potty.  A couple hours later, I walked into his bedroom after putting the baby down for a nap in his crib... and there he is, putting his poopy unders in the laundry basket!  I was a little more firm this time, a little more, "this makes me angry that you did this.  You are a big boy and you know what you need to do when you need to go."  What to do?

Historically (as in, the past year and a half), it is times like these that I question my parenting, that I wonder what I am doing that is so wrong, (or conversely, what I am not doing) that is causing my child to do this.  I know it's probably some sort of a control issue or a power struggle for my independent little guy.  But I can't help to think, what the hell is wrong with me?  Should I just not have had kids?  Obviously, I can't get the basics down, after 1.5 years of trying.  All his little friends, many of whom are a few months younger, have been loooooong potty trained.  No.  I did not want to go down this road today.  It has been quite a while since he's had a number two accident, and I feel much better not freaking out about these things.  But again... what to do?  I have to somehow use this experience to let him know that it is not okay, and I DON'T want him to do it again.  I don't want to employ my usual method-- "that's too bad.  Better get into the bathroom and get cleaned up, then find a clean pair of underpants."  The no-big-deal method.  Because pooping in your pants is a big deal.  I want the lesson to stick this time.

I didn't mean to be punitive, but I didn't want to have another mess to clean up at the indoor playground where we were planning to meet a friend soon.  I decided to make him sit on the potty until he went or until he could tell me why he went in his pants.  This also gave me time to tidy up the house and to go downstairs and talk myself out of getting angry at him or myself.  Ultimately, he couldn't go and he couldn't tell me why he did it, so we wiped up and got ready for our playdate.  I am typically such a grudge-holder, but I can't allow myself to hold onto these things with my sons.  I don't want them to find themselves in therapy someday, wondering why their mom was such a cold, hard, bitch.

And I didn't want to have one of those regretful moments in parenting.  You know what I'm talking about.  You spank your kid even though you're totally against it, or you yell at him, or call him a name.  You overreact to something, and your child cries at your meanness.  Then he asks you to lay next to him after the bedtime song, and you think... how could I ever be so horrible to this little person?

Anyway, this post is getting really long, but I did say there were three incidents.  After playing with our friend, we were on our way to get pizza for lunch.  He told me he needed to pee, so I pulled into the closest neighborhood and found a large shrub we could hide next to for a quick pee.  His unders were already soaked, and when I asked him if he just wet them, he told me that he did it at the playground.  I turned the car around, no pizza, and took him home for lunch and nap ASAP.  Minimal lecturing or yelling and only a little bit of questioning my parenting skills.  Then I found that my dog had been through the kitchen garbage and I really started yelling.  I even yelled at the baby, "Oh, look at you!  You're sweet now, but you'll be just like your big brother in a couple years!  What the hell was I ever thinking?!!"

Oops... well... I'm sure he's too young to commit that to memory.  He was smiling at me the whole time I was yelling.

First Post: Let's clarify a few things...

In my job, I have spent plenty (too much) time on various committees and in meetings.  Some of these committees have been restructured over time and more meetings were suddenly necessary to redefine the purpose of the committee.  Excess?  I think so.  However, it is possibly all that time spent crafting charters and retooling mission statements that is inspiring this first post-- DESPITE the fact that I feel I have more interesting things to shake out of my system and onto the keyboard.

Why am I suddenly blogging?  Important question.  Does every blogger have to answer to this?  Can I even call myself a blogger yet?  I will answer each question in the opposite order that it was asked.  3. Maybe, since this is technically a Blogger post and the account is set up with a brand-spanking-new blog address.  2. I think so, although it is certainly a matter of opinion, and whether it is made public or not is up to the writer/blogger.  1.  I don't quite know.  This just stirs up more questions I want to ask to myself.  (Future post: an interview with myself!  Narcissistic?  Yes!  But oh so self-reflective and, I know, definitely been done before.)  I have always enjoyed writing, whether in a personal journal or even assigned papers/reports for various classes throughout my student career.  I have thought of writing as a career, but never felt I truly had the talent or drive.  It seems that many of the writers I admire have said that they felt they had to get the words out, that they had something to say and something that others needed to hear.

I never felt that... so I never pursued or considered writing a vocation for myself.

In fact, I don't know if I feel that now (argh, so much inner turmoil and confusing feelings, I know), which is why I am saying that NO, I am not planning to pursue a career in writing or make some money off of this.  However...

I have some things I need to share.  Baggage?  Maybe.  I am a mom.  Two boys, 3 years and 5.5 months, and a husband of indeterminate age (sometimes 10, sometimes 18, rarely 37 years old).  Plus a dog, two cats, and a turtle.  I currently work full-time (spoiler alert!  subject to change!), and I cannot keep the goddamned house clean.  I regret to inform you, if there's any "you" out there besides me... I do tend to write when I am frustrated or kinda depressed.  But I also have other things I want to talk about, and I am determined to not let this be my place to record only the doom and gloom in my life.

There are also several blogs that I follow (will post links soon, when it's not 11 pm and I need to pump).  I have read and enjoyed these quite a bit over the past year; more than ever before.  Maybe I want to join the community, or maybe it's just time I get these thoughts out.  Did I actually explain myself and my reason for starting this blog?   Eh, kinda.  I tend to ramble and over-explain (hence the million parenthesized thoughts), so for that I apologize.  And with that, I bid you adieu, and promise to not spend any more time justifying my decision to blog.

-e